funny.

funny.
in life.
you eat.
your words.
choices.
funny.
in life.
there's no laughing.
at a funeral.

note: i know you read this. you're the only one that knows about this. i'm just writing down the thoughts in my head. sometimes this is how it comes out. in fragments. i'm not trying to make a point with this.

view.

in someone's eyes.
we are a saint.
in another's eyes.
we are the devil.

we are neither.
we are human.

untitled 4.

nothing comes from nothing.
nothing ever will.
and so now i'll start by giving.
when you're ready.
i am willing.
if you want it.
i'll finally give you something.

i am.

If money and riches are what you desire... consider what money can give you. Take a moment to really think about it... when it comes down to it, it's not the money that you want - but the freedom that money can give you.  Think in terms of the freedom you want, not the money, and you might be pleasantly surprised. I am.

first time.

now the first time that i saw you
see i thought you were so pretty.
i smiled, i lit up inside - there you were:
divinity in reality.

response.

yes, i have cried.
yes, i've been consoled.
yes, i've been comforted.
yes, it's nice.
but i'm not worthy.

"he is good."
they say.
"she is not."
they exclaim.
"how dare!"

they are wrong.
and i.
rightfully so.
defend you.
i must.

"she is good."
i say.
"he is not."
i exclaim.
"how dare!"

they don't know.
i did this.
they don't understand.
i did this.
i silence them.

i will not let them.
bring you down.
with words.
i have done that.
to you, already.

and it's time.
for it to stop.
i will not let those words.
define who you are.
ever.

not asking.
to be forgiven.
or for mercy.
not asking.
for anything.

it's time
for me
to stop.
taking.
from you.

the northwest.

the northwest is kind.
it's beautiful.
it's more in tune with nature.
moreso than the east.

the northwest is more open.
it's clear.
it's honest.
open.

it believes in you.
it hears you.
it heals you.
it inspires you.

it can get cloudy,
i assume.
but .
it stays true.

it is devoted.
to the simplicity.
to the serenity.
of life.

that you can live it.
do it.
see it.
be it.

the northwest.
is yours.
'til the end.
through the end.

it loves you.
it will always.
love you.
and i love back.

untitled 3.

i am learning.
what i am to be.
what is accepted.
and what is not.
but in order to be.
i have to find.
who i am.
or better yet.
who i was.
and now i know.
to heal.
myself.
i have to heal.
the child within.
who has hurt for so long.
and knows nothing else.
but hurt.
just hurt.
to give it.
to receive it.
no child should feel that.
a child is innocent.
a child should feel love.
to give it.
to receive it.
but i am not a child.

what i should have said.

words hurt, they hurt deep
they have made you cry, made you weep.

and i know their severity
it's driving me to insanity.

and now i am left here
with nothing left, and nothing clear.

so please just believe me
that inside, you will always be

the only one, the special one.
and i know that what you've begun

will amaze them, entrance them,
you will get the chance to move them.

and i'll be watching,
proud inside, that the world will all see

the wonder, the beauty
in everything that you were meant to be.

always knowing that i will miss
the tender joy, and the simple bliss.

regardless of what you've read,
this is what i should've said.

short.

i am sorry.
i hurt you.
i didn't think.
i will be better.
more sensitive.
someday.
promise.

Over the rainbow.

i've seen many rainbows in life
and upon those rainbows
i've felt the highest of highs,
and the deepest lows.

for rainbows only show themselves
once the rain and clouds
from a troubled sky
feel too worn to continue to cry.

the colors divide after the storm
no longer gray,
but red, and orange.
yellow, blue.

i've heard the song, i've seen it's singer
to ride the rainbow means to ride the storm.
it means we can't end up over the rainbow.

when the birds have flown,
and the clouds are simply no longer in sight
you find yourself standing
where's the pot of gold?
you're at the end of the rainbow.

Monster.

I am not who you think I am. I am not who you cheer. It's an act. I am an act. I belong in a sideshow, locked in a cage, as people stare and gawk at my deformities. I am a hollow figure with an unbound emptiness inside a human shell. I deserve nothing. Because I give nothing. I take, and I abuse, and I destroy. I have destroyed the good. Good does not triumph over evil. This is not a movie, or a comic book. This is real life. Evil prevails and, with it's victory, destroys. WHY? I want to scream it. When you're confused, there's nothing else to do but scream. It is the most basic of instincts - to scream.

WHY?

Monsters create monsters. It's unavoidable. I am a monster. I have to be stopped.

A love letter.

Of all things in life, I fear but a few things. One of my biggest fears is to be open, to be honest with my feelings. When it comes to openly honest with how I feel inside, I find my fear in the floodgate of emotion that I will undoubtedly be unfurling upon my audience. How overwhelming it must be when my feelings are for an audience of one.

In life, they say that you must save the best for last. I think that is true of relationships. I know that is true of your relationship with your soul mate. Though we easily find ourselves paired with acquaintances, and lovers, and companions over time - it is your soul mate with whom you are with last. So, when speaking of the best comes the harrowing task of bringing words to life. How, when putting pen-to-paper, do you even begin to write the words that fully embrace what this person is to you? How can you rightfully express exactly what they mean to you?

I promise you, there are not enough greeting cards, enough sheets of loose-leaf or parchment. Not enough ink in the world to finish composing every emotion I want to pour onto this page. Quite matter of factly - there are not enough letters in the alphabet, nor words in the English, or any other, language to complete the task. There are people - the lovers, the companions, the friends, the acquaintances - who will come in-and-out of your life. But, she... she is my life.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Someone said that long ago. They were right. I know because I've seen beauty. Beauty that is just as complete inside, as it is out. I was fortunate to gaze upon this beauty every day. And, truth be told, I miss seeing it every day.

She is everything a man could desire in a woman. She is everything I desire in life. Pardon the redundancy, but... she is my life.

You.

I love you.
I wanted you.
I tried for you.
I wished for you.
I pleaded for you.
I changed my life for you.
I thought all I had was you.
I was never enough for you.
And I ruined what was true for you.
And then gave up my everything for you.
When I should have just given up on you.

author's note: this is not about you.

proud.

you are as good as anybody.
you are better than most.
you are you.
and that's the best.

a series of unfortunate events.

action --> consequence.
reaction --> inconsequential.

untitled 2.

It's tearing me apart inside
A cut so deep, I cannot deny
And so it seems, to escape the darkness and the blue
I'll have to fall asleep and dream, so I won't miss you.
But I am forever awake.

a statement.

• i was talking to this person about how opportunity is lost.
• for the people of our generation.
• there is no chance for opportunity
• or to find your way
• because, he was saying about how he wanted to be an opera singer,
• and he went to college for voice
• in north carolina and there wasnt much going on.
• so he moved with his dad in woodbridge or something
• to be closer to dc and baltimore.
• but like he needs to get a job
• to pay his bills
• and everything.
• but if he gets a job
• how does he pursue his dream?
• the answer is, there's really only a small window of opportunity
• or maybe the problem is...
• there's really only a small window of opportunity
• and that window is small as shit.
• like the kind that sits overlooking the kitchen sink
• and you're trying to climb through,
• but you're like a 6'8 basketball player
• and all the while, someone is closing the window on you
  while youre trying to figure out how to get through.
• odd analogy.
• but thats just how i see it.

the mask.

i look around, and can't believe what i see
as i walk around in this lonely place.
i see more than what you show to me
so take off the mask and let me see your face
let me see love.

show me your eyes
stare that familiar gaze
don't hide behind that old disguise
just take off the mask to let me see your face.
let me see love.

Money.

To find your strength, to find your power
To pull through for just another hour
Money.

To hell and back
An unjust attack
Money.

Getting it overcomes you
Having it becomes you.
Money

To have it is to win
To burn it is to sin
Money.

From within it will consume you
But when with it you feel brand new
Money

So hard to refuse it
Just take it and abuse it
Money.
-------
Money.
Go sell it to the devil.

NAPP-Y #1

NAPP-Y (Not-a-Poem-Post) entries are, I guess, blogs in the traditional sense.

I have never been compelled to write anything before. To write an essay, or thesis, or some other assigned writing work in school was always a chore. I didn't enjoy the things I wrote. I was proud of them, yes. Proud moreso that I had the patience to actually sit down and complete said assignment.

I think it is healthy for me to write. For me to read, as I write, the things that I am feeling as they surge through my head. That is a healthy thing. I have not told anyone about this blog, this diary of sorts. I so badly want the world to read the things I have written. I want to share the hurt, the pain, the joy, the bliss...

I titled the blog .poEMbrace. I wouldn't call the entries I have written POEMS in the traditional sense. Yes, they rhyme and have a meter or patter.... but... so... I guess they are, in fact, poems.

embrace <v>: a : to clasp in the arms : hug b : cherish, love. 2. : encircle, enclose. 3. a : to take up especially readily or gladly .

I am embracing. Brace yourselves.

.jaded.

i miss being intrigued
i miss being curious
about things i have never
seen or touched or tasted.

in all the time i've spent on earth
i feel like most's been wasted.

i miss finding awe
in visiting far away places.
exploring the green, the blue, the white.

to live, to laugh, to learn, to love
to think of what it will be like
to see the smiling faces of my children and my wife.

to never again be jaded.

Ah...

Ah, sweet mystery of life

How I desire thee.

Ah, sweet misery of life

How you consume me.

the rain that falls hard.

The rain that falls hard
It burns dry to the skin
Forever scarred.
You're safe, you've got your guard.
Never again will you let the rain in.
The rain that falls hard.

untitled 1.

I wanted to tell you this face to face
To say the things you deserve to hear
I wanted the perfect time, the perfect place
So that the meaning of my words are crystal clear.
Forgotten feelings and forgotten meanings
Are like the perfect flower alone in a field, left to die
To hope that fate would be intervening
Like a rain cloud appearing through a once-sunny sky.
The darkness passes
The sky is again blue and white.
As love from the sun showers over the grasses
And the lone flower is again flooded with light.
Words and flowers are two in the same
Strong and still beautiful through the rain.