tribute to dean.

i was just thinking about dean martin today. and what he has meant to me over the past three years or so. opportunity has happened because of dean. what he means to people, even still about 16 years after his death. there's an ease, a comfort. even watching on youtube, i feel welcomed into dean's "home" each time he sits and talks, or sings. that's such a genuine thing. no one will ever replicate that.

everybody loves somebody sometime.

give more.

Spend less. Give more. It doesn't have to mean spend nothing. But what if we took some energy that we spend on the things that maybe don't really mean anything, and put it elsewhere - elsewhere into something that means something. I was reading an article online, as I often do, and that article said that this year Americans spent over $450 BILLION on Christmas this year... food, presents, decorations, travel... 450 BILLION DOLLARS. What if even a fraction 1 whatever-th of that number was not spent on a dummy desk clock, or a subscription to Bieber Fever Magazine... that money, that effort could be put towards something for someone who really needs something. A backpack for a child in India. Food for a family in Africa. A prom dress for an orphaned 16 year old that lives closer to you than the McDonald's down the street.

But even if that movement were to gain so much traction that it spread like wildfire, there's always going to be some uneasiness. When you mess with something that is so hallowed by the mass populous, you're bound to be met with some resistance. Girls, I would think, dream of their wedding day forever. And it starts when they are children. Now of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but I think that - as a generalization - this is true for most girls. Men are instinctively... well, men. I think that a man is defined by one who provides, takes care of his own, and does what is asked of him and then some, without question or pause. That is a real man. And, yes, while being a father or a husband has never been on the top of my priority list - there is a part of me that yearns to be able to deny my son that red toy BB gun, because... well... he'll shoot his eye out. Only to see his face when he unwraps it from it's packaging on Christmas day. And I don't want to mess with that.

"We make a living by what we get. We make a life through what we give." - Winston Churchill. And it's not just what we give, but how we give. As I reflect on Christmas, I find it funny that we put so much emphasis on material gifts that we can give. But when I look back on Christmases of the past, I think of the relational gifts I've received that I cherish the most. And maybe those relational gifts didn't necessarily come ON Christmas. But the day I received that relationship, the day that I gave myself into that relationship - THAT was Christmas to me. When a 3rd grade class in a Washington DC public school wrote letters to me (well, to "Michael Jackson"...) - I felt so touched by the thought put into those letters from those children. Now whenever I come across those letters in my file folder, I remember that day. I remember it with fondness. When I work an event, and I get to hear from the audience that they enjoyed the performance. Going back to Christmas, it's the memories of a happy time that are my favorite Christmas gifts. Not the iPod, or shoes, or wood burning kit (you'll have to really know me in order to understand the relevance of a wood burning kit as a Christmas present).

Christmas is over. So in hindsight (my favorite kind of sight), I consider these two principles for the future. First, give your presence. The people in your life need you more than they need the stuff that you can give them. BE present as your gift to your loved ones, as your gift to the world. More stuff won't heal our wounds, won't lift our spirits (more than temporarily), won't keep us from beating each other up, won't keep us from killing our planet and each other, won't keep us from ruining our relationships. In a world with 10 billion people, where we are all simply a governmental number... we're no longer people. We're a Twitter account. We're a Facebook status. We are a text message. These things don't replace flesh and blood interaction. They don't replace the genuine sound of the voice. 

I was inspired by this woman at one of my shows at an assisted living residence. She, a younger woman, came into the room with a gentleman, also younger, and sat in the back just as I was singing "Go Away Little Girl" (which, coincidentally is one of my favorite songs to sing - so I was glad they came in at that moment)... It turned out her grandmother was in the room with me that afternoon. To make a long story short, she was there to give her grandmother her Christmas present... The young woman asked me if she could use the microphone and announced to her grandmother. "Grandma, this Christmas I wanted to do something special for you... I know it's sort of a tradition for me to buy you one of your favorite sweaters from Sears every Christmas. This year I want to break tradition. This year, I regret to inform you, I did not buy you a sweater. Instead, I made you this coupon book... and anytime you are bored, or lonely, or want to chat, or maybe even have me stop by, just use one of these coupons. They never expire, and you can use each one as many times as you like. And next year, I'll get you another sweater." I don't think grandma will ever care if she gets another sweater again.

Partners, lovers, husbands, boyfriends... your woman doesn't need the perfect gift. She needs you. Parents, your children don't need a new video game. They need your attention, your devotion. Parents with teenagers, your children need your attention even more. Friends, you don't need to go to the bar to talk. Take a walk and talk. Give your presence as your presents.

Be personal. Intentional. A personal gift shows forethought. It makes the gift more meaningful. No, not every gift can reflect some WOW factor. But some can reflect deeply. Deeply upon you, upon your compassion for the person with whom you are bestowing the gift. Among the 450 BILLION DOLLARS that were spent on gifts this year - a year from now, I wonder how many of those gifts you'll remember this time next year. I know I can't remember what I got for Christmas last year.... save for a few DVDs that were very special to me as a child. And those touched a part of me that has stayed with me forever. So I remember them. Oh, and I also got socks... but I get those every year.

Spend less. Give more. Make it mutual. So come together and MAKE. Make something. Make a memory. They don't sell those in stores.

It's all for love. L.O.V.E.

tonight.

the darkest sadness
no peace, no worth.
most desperate madness.
so lost on earth

have mercy,
for the meek and the mild
remember the truth,
as pure as a child.

redemption
sweet and strong.
just like the words
you write in a song.

this grace is real
you must not deny.
no faith, in fear,
i hope again, it is not a lie.

just a thought.

If you find you're a couch potato -- and I have gone through those moments in my life where I have said to myself, "Gosh, I don't want to get up off of this couch... I'm enjoying these chips too much." -- you have put one foot in front of the other. You have to find something that excites you... and then go there. But, what will happen invariably is that you're going to hit a wall. It's unavoidable. It happens to marathon runners, it happens to anyone who has some sort of exciting idea, or is experiencing that first burst of energy into this new project. The work kicks in and you say to yourself, "You know, this isn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be." If you can mentally prepare yourself for that wall... because it will be there... and you fight through that wall - then you've accomplished something. You'll feel your self esteem grow because you did it. You accomplished it. And suddenly you'll realize that those potato chips don't taste so good. Let's forget the couch and let's go do something.

one foot in heaven.

i feel

sometimes

most times

that i've got

one foot in heaven

i feel

sometimes

one time

i could have had

both feet in heaven

i feel

sometimes

this time

i'll find the ground,

when i find heaven.

life.

if i don't read the paper and don't turn on the news
i know that when i go outside, the sky will still be blue
though i'm running on empty, i've got a glass that's half full
no, it's not been easy, but i'm doing okay
i have to break up this silence, 'cause there's one thing i've got to say
i've been counting my blessings, still been thinking about you.

it's just something about life, it's something inside me
i know i can count on it to guide me
and that each day, come what may, the sun still will shine
it's the something of life, when the world keeps on turning
you look in my eyes, that fire's still burning
and don't you worry, i think of you only, and hope you're alright
in this something called life.

i may never have a house, where i'm living is fine.
if i stay in my car, at least i'll know that it's mine.
true, we're weathering this storm, do what we're meant to do.
while you're everything i need, i'm living life still in awe
we can both live our dreams, still have it all
somehow i'll get to sleep, though i'm still thinking of you.

it's just something about life, it's something inside me
i know i can count on it to guide me
and that each day, come what may, the sun still will shine
it's the something of life, when the world keeps on turning
you look in my eyes, that fire's still burning
and don't you worry, i think of you only, i hope you're alright
in this something called life.

flame vision.

see the world with flame vision.
trade highs and lows
for consistent warmth.
show that you care,
because of empathy.
it exists.
you just have to see it.

the clown.

everybody gather 'round,
the circus has come to town.
come gain a smile, lose your frown.
get ready, for here comes the clown.

like a puppet on a string
he'll walk and strut, about he'll dance
of course, of course, he'll even sing,
won't you just give him the chance?

then, there's all those lovable, laughable jokes
they'll simply set your heart a-gleam
he tells them just for you there, folks,
why aren't they simply a scream?

he's the main event
he's the man on the flying trapeze
and for just a few cents
he'll do it all with ease.

but behind the paint, there stays the man
he's up on the trapeze
too scared to come down,
to touch the ground.

so he keeps on his makeup
he stays on the trapeze
he'll never come down.
he is the clown.

the gate.

behind the closed gate
is where you will see.

a passion that burns
inside of me.

i'll hold it in,
and never tell.

to open the gate
i'm not allowed
to cast the spell.

untitled 6.

victim of shame.
raped of pride.
pray to God.
pray to Buddha.
inside the temple,
only recognize me
once i've found
peace within
myself.

always remember...

...there is nothing so horrible that one minute, one hour, one day... or many of them... might cure.

inside.outside.

it's raining.
outside.
so i stayed.
inside.

stop staying
inside.
start dancing.
outside.

it's still raining.
but now
i'm outside.
dancing.

untitled 5.

when you cast a spell,
i think i should mention,
the result you never can tell,
no matter your intention.

long.

Performing can be pretty terrifying, to be honest with you. Whether it's constantly creating the new, or constantly recreating the old, there's a terrifying sense of pressure. You really have to muster up a lot of ego and energy to even go out there, and it drains you. I occasionally look down at my feet, or the others around me and think to myself:

"Well, here it is... the same old s*it again."

And the nights you go out there - where you haven't gotten enough sleep, or you were traveling, or rehearsing, or not recovered from the night before, that's when it physically becomes a lot. In between songs, you find yourself decimating two bottles of water and a 5 Hour Energy... and it only took you 20 seconds to do it. And in that moment, you hurt. It's painful. Honest-to-God, painful. Your sides are collapsing, knees are buckling, heart racing, you can't breathe fast enough. GOD, WHERE DID YOU HIDE ALL THE AIR? But through this pain, you see the faces in the crowd. Just a glimpse, in those 20 seconds. And you realize your purpose. You go back out there and take care of business. Because those smiling faces are there because of you. My life... what I can remember of it... has been going up on stage. All I know is that when it's time to go on, it's time to go on. You either die, or you fall down, or you make it through. And that little voice inside you pushes you to make it through. Even though, at times, you think death would be so much easier. Performing is such a mystical thing. You go out there, and you open up yourself, you expose your deep fears. You open your heart to these strangers. Performing live is, to me, acting out your conscience and feelings in front of a room full of strangers. That's why I so intensely love being myself. Yes, the songs are chosen ahead of time. Yes, the choreography is -mostly- rehearsed. Yes, the patter is planned - even when it's planned to look unplanned. Everyone wants to emulate, to imitate their hero. There's no harm in repeating a good thing. Especially when that good thing can live through you, and continue to touch people. I've been taught by experts in the art of everything, and I want to share that.

My job is to go out in front of a room of people and catch lightning in a bottle. If I miss it, or there's none around to be found... I have to create the storm myself. And do it quickly. I have instinctively had a third eye for what's going on around me at all times for as long as I can remember. I can tell who is into it, who is not. Who has left, who has come alive. I can feel if a song is not connecting. And when you finally hit the groove, that is my home. As odd as it may seem, I go onstage to find peace.

Performing is my marathon. I want to see how far I can go. It's very personal. I think that fame and fortune are things that are fulfilling only in the freedom that they can give you. I'm not famous. I am not rich. I do not understand the intrigue that seemingly always follows me... It only leads to leaving people feeling disappointed that you are not the person they believed you to be. Even if you never said you were, in the first place. Even if you categorically stated that the mystery and the intrigue was placed upon you without merit.

The person I become onstage, that person is sometimes a stranger. A stranger in two ways. One, I feel that LOVE that really has been my motivation for everything.... to spread it, and give it. I have that power onstage that is sometimes lost when I'm off. A stranger is welcomed into another's presence because their name is on a big sign. But, what's in a name, really? It's fickle, really. For two hours, you are the center of attention. You are loved, and embraced, and praised. You are an angel. Then the lights fade, and you're normal. That is who I am. I am normal. Just as normal as anyone else. Perhaps it's a little more lonely than some... I think that's stranger 'no. 2'. You're in a strange town, or you're in the car onto the next place, or home, and you can't get anyone on the phone. Just to be able to talk to someone as yourself would be enough. It's isolated. A hotel room, a car, a plane. Solitude in a public place is a deafening silence.

It's at this point that the 'shine' ultimately wears off. Sometimes I think the price you pay for pursuing a career in show business, is that you become very attuned to it's dark side. Many have truly made a deal with the Devil. And it's almost unavoidable - in a realm where it's inhabitants are driven by ego, vanity, and excess - you'd be hard pressed to not submit or pretend otherwise. But, to me, I'm learning that it's just a business. It's how you survive in this very cold world. In the cold world, in a cruel business you work in, you have to separate yourself from those things. Otherwise, that parasite can consume you.

I am becoming at ease with the world. Amiable. Even though I will always long to be the two things that seem unattainable. The past me - a child, and the future me - a man. I want to feel the joy and simpleness of being a child. On the other hand, I want so desperately to be able to take care of those I love. And, God, I love them. The serenity in being able to care for someone, and have them believe it. And trust that in you. To feel safe. That's what I was meant for. I do it for strangers hundreds of times a year. I've spent years doing that for these strangers. I want to do that for the people I love.

I wish I hadn't taken for granted of some of the places I've been. In fact, I wish I could remember where I've been. It's sad. It's the reason that I've come to think that the more you experience, the more you embrace - the more you are. Enjoy the ride while you're on it. You might even have to get off, at times, for whatever reason. It can be discouraging, or frustrating. But I think it's a shame if you never let yourself get back on. Try it all.

man in the mirror.

We draw to us experiences that we need to learn from... and those who are drawn to us to teach us the lesson are also learning as well. We are mirrors. Both to ourselves and to them. If you find something you don't like in someone else - perhaps it's because that "thing" is within you as well. It hurts to admit that, but it's true. We can't keep blaming others for our own issues. If anything, we have to realize that no one is perfect, and we are all flawed. It's easy to see that flaw in others, and painful to see it in yourself. If we are to make change, it starts with ourselves. The man in the mirror. Only then can we spread hope, peace, joy, love. Only then can we give it.

funny.

funny.
in life.
you eat.
your words.
choices.
funny.
in life.
there's no laughing.
at a funeral.

note: i know you read this. you're the only one that knows about this. i'm just writing down the thoughts in my head. sometimes this is how it comes out. in fragments. i'm not trying to make a point with this.

view.

in someone's eyes.
we are a saint.
in another's eyes.
we are the devil.

we are neither.
we are human.

untitled 4.

nothing comes from nothing.
nothing ever will.
and so now i'll start by giving.
when you're ready.
i am willing.
if you want it.
i'll finally give you something.

i am.

If money and riches are what you desire... consider what money can give you. Take a moment to really think about it... when it comes down to it, it's not the money that you want - but the freedom that money can give you.  Think in terms of the freedom you want, not the money, and you might be pleasantly surprised. I am.

first time.

now the first time that i saw you
see i thought you were so pretty.
i smiled, i lit up inside - there you were:
divinity in reality.

response.

yes, i have cried.
yes, i've been consoled.
yes, i've been comforted.
yes, it's nice.
but i'm not worthy.

"he is good."
they say.
"she is not."
they exclaim.
"how dare!"

they are wrong.
and i.
rightfully so.
defend you.
i must.

"she is good."
i say.
"he is not."
i exclaim.
"how dare!"

they don't know.
i did this.
they don't understand.
i did this.
i silence them.

i will not let them.
bring you down.
with words.
i have done that.
to you, already.

and it's time.
for it to stop.
i will not let those words.
define who you are.
ever.

not asking.
to be forgiven.
or for mercy.
not asking.
for anything.

it's time
for me
to stop.
taking.
from you.

the northwest.

the northwest is kind.
it's beautiful.
it's more in tune with nature.
moreso than the east.

the northwest is more open.
it's clear.
it's honest.
open.

it believes in you.
it hears you.
it heals you.
it inspires you.

it can get cloudy,
i assume.
but .
it stays true.

it is devoted.
to the simplicity.
to the serenity.
of life.

that you can live it.
do it.
see it.
be it.

the northwest.
is yours.
'til the end.
through the end.

it loves you.
it will always.
love you.
and i love back.

untitled 3.

i am learning.
what i am to be.
what is accepted.
and what is not.
but in order to be.
i have to find.
who i am.
or better yet.
who i was.
and now i know.
to heal.
myself.
i have to heal.
the child within.
who has hurt for so long.
and knows nothing else.
but hurt.
just hurt.
to give it.
to receive it.
no child should feel that.
a child is innocent.
a child should feel love.
to give it.
to receive it.
but i am not a child.

what i should have said.

words hurt, they hurt deep
they have made you cry, made you weep.

and i know their severity
it's driving me to insanity.

and now i am left here
with nothing left, and nothing clear.

so please just believe me
that inside, you will always be

the only one, the special one.
and i know that what you've begun

will amaze them, entrance them,
you will get the chance to move them.

and i'll be watching,
proud inside, that the world will all see

the wonder, the beauty
in everything that you were meant to be.

always knowing that i will miss
the tender joy, and the simple bliss.

regardless of what you've read,
this is what i should've said.

short.

i am sorry.
i hurt you.
i didn't think.
i will be better.
more sensitive.
someday.
promise.

Over the rainbow.

i've seen many rainbows in life
and upon those rainbows
i've felt the highest of highs,
and the deepest lows.

for rainbows only show themselves
once the rain and clouds
from a troubled sky
feel too worn to continue to cry.

the colors divide after the storm
no longer gray,
but red, and orange.
yellow, blue.

i've heard the song, i've seen it's singer
to ride the rainbow means to ride the storm.
it means we can't end up over the rainbow.

when the birds have flown,
and the clouds are simply no longer in sight
you find yourself standing
where's the pot of gold?
you're at the end of the rainbow.

Monster.

I am not who you think I am. I am not who you cheer. It's an act. I am an act. I belong in a sideshow, locked in a cage, as people stare and gawk at my deformities. I am a hollow figure with an unbound emptiness inside a human shell. I deserve nothing. Because I give nothing. I take, and I abuse, and I destroy. I have destroyed the good. Good does not triumph over evil. This is not a movie, or a comic book. This is real life. Evil prevails and, with it's victory, destroys. WHY? I want to scream it. When you're confused, there's nothing else to do but scream. It is the most basic of instincts - to scream.

WHY?

Monsters create monsters. It's unavoidable. I am a monster. I have to be stopped.

A love letter.

Of all things in life, I fear but a few things. One of my biggest fears is to be open, to be honest with my feelings. When it comes to openly honest with how I feel inside, I find my fear in the floodgate of emotion that I will undoubtedly be unfurling upon my audience. How overwhelming it must be when my feelings are for an audience of one.

In life, they say that you must save the best for last. I think that is true of relationships. I know that is true of your relationship with your soul mate. Though we easily find ourselves paired with acquaintances, and lovers, and companions over time - it is your soul mate with whom you are with last. So, when speaking of the best comes the harrowing task of bringing words to life. How, when putting pen-to-paper, do you even begin to write the words that fully embrace what this person is to you? How can you rightfully express exactly what they mean to you?

I promise you, there are not enough greeting cards, enough sheets of loose-leaf or parchment. Not enough ink in the world to finish composing every emotion I want to pour onto this page. Quite matter of factly - there are not enough letters in the alphabet, nor words in the English, or any other, language to complete the task. There are people - the lovers, the companions, the friends, the acquaintances - who will come in-and-out of your life. But, she... she is my life.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Someone said that long ago. They were right. I know because I've seen beauty. Beauty that is just as complete inside, as it is out. I was fortunate to gaze upon this beauty every day. And, truth be told, I miss seeing it every day.

She is everything a man could desire in a woman. She is everything I desire in life. Pardon the redundancy, but... she is my life.

You.

I love you.
I wanted you.
I tried for you.
I wished for you.
I pleaded for you.
I changed my life for you.
I thought all I had was you.
I was never enough for you.
And I ruined what was true for you.
And then gave up my everything for you.
When I should have just given up on you.

author's note: this is not about you.

proud.

you are as good as anybody.
you are better than most.
you are you.
and that's the best.

a series of unfortunate events.

action --> consequence.
reaction --> inconsequential.

untitled 2.

It's tearing me apart inside
A cut so deep, I cannot deny
And so it seems, to escape the darkness and the blue
I'll have to fall asleep and dream, so I won't miss you.
But I am forever awake.

a statement.

• i was talking to this person about how opportunity is lost.
• for the people of our generation.
• there is no chance for opportunity
• or to find your way
• because, he was saying about how he wanted to be an opera singer,
• and he went to college for voice
• in north carolina and there wasnt much going on.
• so he moved with his dad in woodbridge or something
• to be closer to dc and baltimore.
• but like he needs to get a job
• to pay his bills
• and everything.
• but if he gets a job
• how does he pursue his dream?
• the answer is, there's really only a small window of opportunity
• or maybe the problem is...
• there's really only a small window of opportunity
• and that window is small as shit.
• like the kind that sits overlooking the kitchen sink
• and you're trying to climb through,
• but you're like a 6'8 basketball player
• and all the while, someone is closing the window on you
  while youre trying to figure out how to get through.
• odd analogy.
• but thats just how i see it.

the mask.

i look around, and can't believe what i see
as i walk around in this lonely place.
i see more than what you show to me
so take off the mask and let me see your face
let me see love.

show me your eyes
stare that familiar gaze
don't hide behind that old disguise
just take off the mask to let me see your face.
let me see love.

Money.

To find your strength, to find your power
To pull through for just another hour
Money.

To hell and back
An unjust attack
Money.

Getting it overcomes you
Having it becomes you.
Money

To have it is to win
To burn it is to sin
Money.

From within it will consume you
But when with it you feel brand new
Money

So hard to refuse it
Just take it and abuse it
Money.
-------
Money.
Go sell it to the devil.

NAPP-Y #1

NAPP-Y (Not-a-Poem-Post) entries are, I guess, blogs in the traditional sense.

I have never been compelled to write anything before. To write an essay, or thesis, or some other assigned writing work in school was always a chore. I didn't enjoy the things I wrote. I was proud of them, yes. Proud moreso that I had the patience to actually sit down and complete said assignment.

I think it is healthy for me to write. For me to read, as I write, the things that I am feeling as they surge through my head. That is a healthy thing. I have not told anyone about this blog, this diary of sorts. I so badly want the world to read the things I have written. I want to share the hurt, the pain, the joy, the bliss...

I titled the blog .poEMbrace. I wouldn't call the entries I have written POEMS in the traditional sense. Yes, they rhyme and have a meter or patter.... but... so... I guess they are, in fact, poems.

embrace <v>: a : to clasp in the arms : hug b : cherish, love. 2. : encircle, enclose. 3. a : to take up especially readily or gladly .

I am embracing. Brace yourselves.

.jaded.

i miss being intrigued
i miss being curious
about things i have never
seen or touched or tasted.

in all the time i've spent on earth
i feel like most's been wasted.

i miss finding awe
in visiting far away places.
exploring the green, the blue, the white.

to live, to laugh, to learn, to love
to think of what it will be like
to see the smiling faces of my children and my wife.

to never again be jaded.

Ah...

Ah, sweet mystery of life

How I desire thee.

Ah, sweet misery of life

How you consume me.

the rain that falls hard.

The rain that falls hard
It burns dry to the skin
Forever scarred.
You're safe, you've got your guard.
Never again will you let the rain in.
The rain that falls hard.

untitled 1.

I wanted to tell you this face to face
To say the things you deserve to hear
I wanted the perfect time, the perfect place
So that the meaning of my words are crystal clear.
Forgotten feelings and forgotten meanings
Are like the perfect flower alone in a field, left to die
To hope that fate would be intervening
Like a rain cloud appearing through a once-sunny sky.
The darkness passes
The sky is again blue and white.
As love from the sun showers over the grasses
And the lone flower is again flooded with light.
Words and flowers are two in the same
Strong and still beautiful through the rain.